for the first time since i can ever remember, i feel happy.
i haven't been able to fathom happiness, true self-confidence, empowerment or liberation since... ever. well, let's say i feel like a different person in one week's time.
on my list of things to be completely emphatic about:
mutual adoration for someone new.
i came out to my mother at a lunch that i had planned for that purpose. (came out as what, you ask? i'm not going to identify myself with a label; those who know me, know.) not only did i not chicken-out, i was calm, collected and confident albeit nervous. i was articulate and it went surprisingly well. on the drive home, i was floating around in a blue-sky day. (soon to be informed are my sister and father, respectively.)
i have new-found belief in myself. i could see my life spiraling down the same abysmal tunnel of mediocrity that too many people fall into... now, i feel like i can do anything. sounds like gooey garbage, but it's true.
i'm being productive. i'm being creative. i have goals.
ok, i know i know, but... i feel sexy.
i have a fuck you attitude, but in the best way possible: i don't care what anyone thinks anymore. i'm going to be who i am, wear what i want without worrying about how i'll be perceived, do what i want, make big things happen, be with who i want, treat them the way i want without being scared.
last but not least, i'm taking risks. regardless of outcome, it feels good. but just fyi, they're paying off.
i am woman, hear me roar?
funny thing is, kaela and i had the best woman power conversation of my life, complete with herbal loving, intellectual conversation, beautiful stimuli (cinema and music), and comfortable friendship. i'm embracing my womanhood. i've been expending so much energy trying to reject so many important parts of me for a long time. i've always pushed women away, unable to trust them. now, i'm starting to sink into the comforts of my chosen family; the foundation is definitely there. and in that family are some women that i have the utmost respect, appreciation and love for. i completely adore them, it feels amazing to have that finally.
i have come so far. had i not been able to get through everything before this, i wouldn't be feeling this kind of ecstasy now. upon this epiphany, i admit i let out an involuntary and quite maniacal chuckle. and sorry to hit the same note over and over again, but i feel that much closer to the women in my life because of my mother's unfailing support through those fucked up times.
i haven't tried to make this sound very eloquent or what have you. i guess i'm just trying to get it all out because i feel like i'm radiating everything that i'm feeling anyway. i will, however, be pouring all of these epiphanies etc. into a new project. i'm still working out the kinks, but i'm really excited.
i kind of feel like i'm living in as good as it gets. hot damn, now that has got to be the cheesiest thing i've ever said.
fack it. i'm untouchable.
also, three firm tattoo ideas are just waiting on the funds... (yesssssss).
cheers, peace, love, and music.
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